


The cold ones fall harder, headfirst

by deliberatemistake



Category: Infinite (Band), VIXX
Genre: Leo - Freeform, M/M, Vixx - Freeform, infinite, sungjong - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2016-09-03
Packaged: 2018-08-11 07:02:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7881154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deliberatemistake/pseuds/deliberatemistake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sungjong X Leo (VIXX) - Leo's the captain of the soccer team, and Sungjong wants in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey Captain, over here, can I have a word?”

Normally Leo wouldn’t have looked up from a game; when he plays, he plays with full concentration. But for some reason, that voice calling him has a special effect on him.  
Like an inbuilt reflex, he raises his head and looks towards the sidelines in the direction from which the voice is coming. Next thing he knows, he’s lost the ball he was dribbling so diligently to Woohyun, who took opportunity of his momentary distraction. No one steals a ball from Leo, no matter how good they are at soccer. He curses inwardly, an affronted look shadowing his features.

There’s a resounding groan from Kikwang, his team mate, as he just stands at his place instead of trying to catch up to Woohyun, who is streaking down the field towards the goal post with the stolen ball.

Biting the inside of his cheek, Leo turns to the sidelines once more - the reason he has lost all ability to move is standing right beside the bench, waving at him energetically.  
What’s he doing here?

As he stares at the beautiful, innocent face, something within him stirs. A sudden burning sensation sears across his body and all he can think of is running away from it all, especially from those clear eyes. So he streaks across the field, catching up to his team mates, trying to get his head in the game. Biting his lips, he hopes the lanky figure in the sidelines would disappear, turn to dust and clear away so that he doesn’t have to see him again. But the grunts from the players and the sound of the ball rolling over the grass and the feet’s impact with the leather is not enough to block the voice that calls out his name again and again; he chooses to ignore it. The voice grows frustrated but still persists.

“Captain, please, I don’t bite!”

He’s about to steal his ball back from Woohyun just in time when he hears some commotion on the field right behind him and before he can process what’s going on, he’s face to face with what he’s been trying to avoid.

Before he can say anything or react in any way, Kikwang lashes out at the newcomer.

“Get out Sungjong, you have no business here,” he shouts, pointing towards the sideline dismissively and panting.

Sungjong doesn’t even bat an eyelash – the tall, slender frame turns on Kikwang fiercely; his hands on his hips.

“I’m here to talk to the captain, not you, Kikwang, so butt out!”

Everyone has stopped playing by now and has formed a circle around Sungjong and Kikwang. A round of collective ‘oohs’ is heard as Kikwang’s face flushes.

“Hey cap, is your girlfriend going through PMS?” Woohyun asks loudly, causing the other guys to howl in laughter. Sungjong doesn’t miss a blink.

“Yah, want to have another wrestling match?” he directly challenges Woohyun, who frowns.

“That wasn’t fair. You pinched me and grabbed my hair, that’s not how you wrestle, missy.”

“That’s how you win, punk. Should I show you what else I can do?” Sungjong stretches his arms out in front of him provokingly. As expected, Woohyun breaks through the circle and approaches the young man menacingly, his fist raised.

“That’s enough!” Leo decides to intervene here, knowing that Sungjong is outnumbered and there is no way he’d be able to take down all these soccer players by himself, no matter how much he pinches, scratches, or grabs hair. “What do you want, Sungjong?”

“I told you, I want to talk to you.” This time his voice is politer, but assertive. As he shifts his gaze towards Leo, the hard look in his eyes melts.

His breathing catches in his throat for a minute. He hasn’t spoken to him in a couple of months - hearing his voice up close feels like a dream. But he wants to wake up from the dream. At the same time, he can’t just refuse a direct request from Sungjong, not when…

“Wait till the game’s finished.”

“Now,” Sungjong emphasizes, looking straight at him. His lower lip hangs a little, giving him a petulant expression, one that he is familiar with.

He wishes Sungjong wouldn’t do that, look him in the eye casually, like there’s nothing unusual between them, like the air doesn’t always turn solid when it’s just the two of them.  
How does he do it – I can barely look at him.

His team mates start protesting but he tells them to go back to the match (a loud protest is about to break out but he quells it with a look, wondering why he didn’t just use the same look on Sungjong, but knowing at the same time that it wouldn’t have worked) while he follows the junior through the field and towards the bench. He can feel Hakyeon’s eyes boring holes at his back; he can’t imagine Kikwang and Woohyun would be happy about this either. They are the closest things he has to friends, so they can’t approve of this.

Why am I doing this anyway?

“What is it?” he asks, positioning his eyes to a point above Sungjong’s shoulder.

Unlike the younger, he can’t pretend that the relationship between them is just that of a senior-junior, not after what happened. His stomach is already crumpling up. It’s been quite some time since he’s actually seen the younger up close. He’s had glimpses of him now and then, during break or after school, but that’s it. There’s no reason for him to go and find him anymore, or walk him home after school, or eat lunch together, even though Sungjong said they could be friends.

Truth is, he doesn’t know how to be friends with Lee Sungjong (he did at one time, but now he doubts if his feelings for him has ever been platonic), he only knows how to love him. He can’t fool himself into thinking that he cares about the younger so deeply is because that’s what friends feel for each other. His heart is bounding, his stomach is clenched, he wants to hold Sungjong’s hand and kiss him on the lips – if that’s not love then love can go to hell.

And take me with it.

But that’s not what Sungjong wanted – friendship is his limit, so they have to be strangers.

What does this stranger want from me now?

Despite having a strong grip on his imagination, it starts to run a bit wild and he almost hears that airy voice uttering, “I want to give us a chance…”

Focus, he scolds himself.

Taking a deep breath, Sungjong says, “I want to join the team.”

He’s genuinely confused by the answer. “What team?”

Sungjong rolls his eyes.

“The soccer team of course, why else would I come to you?”

So you only came because you need a favor?

Even though he told himself several times that this dream of his will never come true, he can’t help but hope Sungjong would change his mind one day. He’ll realize his feelings for Leo and come and confess to him. It’s silly and it’s pathetic, but he still hopes for a relationship with his first love. But following this road has only brought him disappointment.

I should really stop.

“You can’t play,” he states the obvious.

“I know,” Sungjong huffs cutely, a little furrow of dissatisfaction appearing between his eyebrows - it takes his all to stop himself from reaching out and petting him.  
There was a time he could do that without hesitation. It was a time when Sungjong would follow him around, calling him ‘sunbae’ or ‘hyung’ all the time, eat lunch with him, ask him for advice and then vent about his frustrating days. Leo’s actions were obvious (he surprised himself how he could show affection so naturally, when all his life he’s kept everything to himself), and he thought that Sungjong liked him back. So when he rejected his confession (and it hasn’t easy confessing, not for him, the awkward potato, or admitting to his friends that he’s actually fallen for someone when they always insisted that he has no heart), he’d been shocked. Apparently, the younger had taken all his signs as affection for a younger brother.

Leo was hurt, and he didn’t know how to hang around Sungjong anymore, pretending it was all okay. So he naturally drifted away, until they became almost strangers. It was hard for him, but he’s done it successfully; Sungjong’s taken the hint as well.

It’s fine now.

But despite that…

“That’s why I came to you. No one else will take me in a sport team. But I need to do something related to sport to get into a good university,” the younger rambles, looking frustrated. For a moment, Leo sees the Sungjong he used to know. “Sunbae, please, you’re my last chance.”

He does the fatal mistake of looking into Sungjong’s eyes, his wide, bright eyes and he falls for them all over again. It’s not fair, it’s not fair that Sungjong possesses those doe eyes and he has such a weak heart. Yes, the tall, strong, well-built football captain is powerless in front of slender, frail-framed Sungjong – he’s his kryptonite.

Swallowing the bitter feeling in his throat, he says, “You can’t play with these guys, they’ll push you around. And you can’t bite or scratch your way through this.”

He knows Sungjong can be tough when he needs to, but he honestly doesn’t want to put him through it. He knows his team, they have a habit of ganging up on the new guy. Besides, no one likes Sungjong much – they are very loyal to their captain and after seeing how heartbroken Leo was after being rejected, they had automatically developed negative feelings for the younger. Woohyun already had a wrestling match with Sungjong to try and avenge his friend. Letting him join the team will be inviting more of these confrontations.

“I can be the water boy or something? Or a manager? As long as I get a certificate and my name’s in the club, it’s fine.” He smiles at him, his eyes crinkling around the corners. Leo’s heart flutters and he can feel himself losing control of this conversation. Did Sungjong know he would leave with what he wanted today? “Besides, I can take on those airheaded jocks, don’t worry.”

He’s always found his confidence and optimism impressive. That was something that initially attracted him, since he himself has never believed in rainbows and butterflies. Sungjong seems to be the complete opposite of him, everything he is not.

“Fine,” he mutters, already having the bad feeling that it won’t go well. But he also knows he can’t resist the younger, who is persistent enough to do whatever it takes to get his way.

“Thank you so much, I knew you wouldn’t let me down!” Sungjong jumps up and surprises him with a hug. It feels strange hugging him after such a long time. His hands hang loosely by his side and his strawberry scent engulfs him once again.

I don’t want him around but at the same time I want him around.

Suddenly, he realizes that it’s too quiet. Turning around, he finds all his team mates gathered at the edge of the court, staring at them intently. None of them look happy, especially not Hakyeon. His eyes are narrowed in displeasure, his lips closed tightly. Woohyun is picking his nails, a sign that he’s agitated and Kikwang has an arm swung around Hakyeon, almost supportively.

It’s not going to be easy to convince them of Sungjong’s inclusion in the team, but luckily, he’s the leader and he can exercise his power, if need be.

“Guys, Lee Sungjong here is going to join the team from today.”

The team exchanges dubious looks, as if deciding if they are being tricked, until Hakyeon breaks into derisive laughter, clutching his stomach and pulling on Kikwang’s collar to stop himself from falling over. Soon, the rest of the team joins in - the sound of their combined laughter is so loud that a window on the second floor of the school building next to the court opens and a girl screams at them to be quiet.

“That was a joke, right?” Woohyun asks, forcing himself to stop laughing. “Your best one till now, Captain.” He gives him a thumbs up.

“That’s enough. He’s going to practice with us from tomorrow.” Leo rounds on Sungjong and explains to him what he would need for practice – proper shoes, a change of clothes, shorts.

“Wait, you’re not kidding?” Hakyeon hollers loudly. The last few sniggers die down and there’s silence.

“Do I look like I’m kidding?”

“You never look like you’re kidding.”

Ignoring Hakyeon, he addresses Sungjong, “What’s your size? Sungyeol will get you a jersey tomorrow.”

“Why me?” Sungyeol protests like he’s been tasked with the most horrible job ever.

“Because you get all our jerseys.”

“Yeah, but I’m not going to get one for him.” He points a long finger at Sungjong, his lips turned in a disgusted expression.

“You will do exactly as I say,” Leo declares coldly. He’s had enough; he wants to go back to playing. Standing beside Sungjong is taking more effort than he could have guessed. The heat emanating from the younger is enough to make him weak. It shouldn’t be like this – even though he’s standing right next to him, he’s far, far away, in another star.

And I’ll never reach him in a million light years.

“As will the rest of you. Now move. Be here tomorrow, at 3 pm,” he adds to Sungjong, who nods obediently, although he can see the look in his eyes has gotten sharper. He’s probably stopping himself from responding to the criticism from the team. “You can go now.”

The younger sprints off. He stares at his back until it vanishes from his view, then runs off to join his team on the field. A hand grabbing his wrist warns him that Hakyeon is not going to let his decision go so easily.

“What happened to ‘I’m trying to forget him’?” he asks accusingly.

“I’m doing him a favor for his college apps, it’s nothing.”

“You let him walk all over you and now you’re going to help him?” The disbelief in Hakyeon’s voice is high-pitched.

Leo has had enough. Jerking his wrist out of his friend’s hand, he says angrily, “He didn’t use me, I had useless expectations. It’s not his fault. And we’re no closer to dating than 4 months ago, so thank you for your concern, but no thank you.”

Hakyeon’s lips part and he looks hurt. Backing away a little, he says, “I care about you, I don’t want you to hurt.”

“Then leave me alone,” he coldly replies, turning his attention to the field. No one is really playing; instead they are giving each other meaningful looks. They are probably bursting to discuss what just happened.

Maybe I need to clear my head.

“Guys, let’s change back. We’ll practice tomorrow.”

“Yes,” they reply together, picking up the ball and heading towards the changing room. Hakyeon walks beside him, like he always does. It seems like he wants to say more but Leo really doesn’t want to hear anymore. He’s made his decision.

“The guys are not going to leave him alone, I’m just saying,” Hakyeon says quickly, before hurrying towards his locker.

He’s right.

His team’s antagonistic feeling towards Sungjong is not new and giving them a chance to spend time together might just result in farther disputes.

 

His misgivings were not baseless. The team did everything they can to thwart his inclusion to the team. They would run into him on purpose or tackle him even when he didn’t have the ball on him (and frankly, the younger was utter rubbish at the game). Finally, Leo put him on the bench, tasking him with being the manager of the team, but team started to vehemently protest Sungjong’s role as their ‘manager’. He had to remind them who the captain was in order to stop the protests.

Even then, they wouldn’t leave Sungjong alone and the problem with the younger is that he doesn’t know when to back down. He answers every little taunt with an equally disrespectful tone (it’s like he’s never been taught to respect elders, although the elders aren’t doing a great job at commanding respect) and the result is the start of physical brawl; he has to step in and put an end to it and it’s not always easy because he doesn’t want to take sides (but it’s pretty obvious who he sides with).

His team is bad enough, but Sungjong actually provokes them occasionally, and it doesn’t help that the younger never seems to listen to him. 

One day, after a particularly heated argument, which was actually started by Sungjong, he has to take the younger to one side and warn him that if he doesn’t listen to him, he’ll be kicked out.

Sungjong throws his arms in the air, ready to defend himself, when he grabs his wrists and jerks him strongly.

“Stop picking fights, what if I’m not around one day, who’s going to save you, huh?”

The younger wrenches his hands out of his grasp angrily with amazing strength.

“I didn’t ask you to save me.”

That’s true but…

“I chose to save you!” he blurts out before he can control his tongue. “You might have forgotten but I love you!” He’s not supposed to say it, but he does anyway. Sungjong just makes him lose control to the point he surprises himself and wonders if he is the same person he used to be anymore.

This is not me, this is not supposed to be me.

Realizing his mistake, he storms out of the changing room, feeling a throbbing pulse on his temple. He’s tried his best to keep his calm around Sungjong and ignore him as much as possible. However, he always finds himself looking at him, glancing his way when he thinks no one is looking. Even now, Sungjong can get his heart racing in no time, give him a heart attack. And he doesn’t know how to deal with it.

He meets Hakyeon on the way out, who’s come to look for him.

“That brat is-”

“It’s not going to happen anymore, I talked to him,” Leo explains.

His eyes flash with anger.

“He’s broken tons of rules, why aren’t you kicking him out?” he asks viciously. “Is he that attractive?”

“Hakyeon, stop,” he orders, frowning. He doesn’t want to fight against his friend.

Staring at him intensely, he whispers, “You’re not the Jung Taekwoon I grew up with. Why does one boy change everything? Who is he that you have to put him first no matter what?”

Of course he looks away, because he can’t meet his friend’s gaze honestly and insist that it’s not like that, that he’s got it all wrong.

But I don’t know the honest answer to his questions either.

“I didn’t choose to be this way,” he answers quietly. Sidestepping his friend, he starts to walk towards the exit.

“I love you. Does that change anything?”

He stops in his tracks. He wants to turn around to make sure Hakyeon was really the one who said it. When he looks at him, he expects to see a sly smile or a mocking smirk, but instead, he looks completely serious. There is no indication that he’s joking and he knows his friend isn’t as good with poker faces as he is.

“I love you. Does it change anything at all?” His voice is more desperate this time and his gaze is searching.

It’s not what Leo expected and as he adjusts to the information, he understands why Hakyeon has always been extra hostile towards Sungjong.

But…

He looks him in the eyes and says the first thing that came to his mind when he first heard the question.

“No, it doesn’t.”

 

His fear however comes true one day.

He is late for practice since he has to finish a project but when he arrives at the field, it’s empty. It doesn’t settle well with him because his members are not the kind to miss practice – they practically live on soccer. The knot on his stomach tightens as he sees no sign of Sungjong at the bench either.

His heart hammering, he gallops towards the changing room, his stomach sinking lower and lower until it drops completely when he finds Sungjong on the floor of the room, blood gushing out of his nose, one of his eyes blackened and his face bruised.

Blood rushes to his head the moment the sight meets his eyes. The room is empty otherwise, but it’s not the time to wonder where the others are. He quickly opens the first-aid box, taking a wad of cotton to plug the bleeding from his nose. Sungjong tries to smile at him weakly but he is too busy, cleaning the bruises on his face, applying antiseptic, while holding an ice pack to the purple bump on his forehead. All the while, Sungjong sits very still; at one point, he doubles over and he has to help him to the bathroom, where he throws up.

“You should see a doctor,” he says worriedly as he half carries him back to the changing room and helps him onto the bench.

“I’ll be fine,” Sungjong reassures him and smiles again.

His face is barely recognizable under all the bruises, discolorations, ice pack, and bandages. Leo’s heart constricts painfully – is this his fault? He shouldn’t have let Sungjong in the team. Why did he stay back for the project today, knowing the younger would be at the mercy of the rest of his team?

I’m so stupid, he got hurt because of me.

“It’s not your fault, you know. It was bound to happen someday.”

Sungjong surprises him – it’s almost as if he read his mind. This is actually not new, he used to do it before. Leo doesn’t speak much or express emotions freely so it’s difficult to know what’s on his mind; that’s what he thought, until he met Sungjong. Somehow, he’s transparent to the younger, like an open book. It was strange at first, hearing Sungjong speak his thoughts exactly, but he got used to it. He’d grown comfortable with the natural chemistry between them, his ability to communicate almost everything wordlessly to the younger. But he hadn’t expected it to be intact after all this time.

“Did you-”

“I promise I didn’t provoke them this time, I swear,” Sungjong said, pouting. “I’m making an effort after – after what you said,” he murmurs, fixing his gaze on the empty lockers in front of him.

Sighing, Leo closes the lid of the first-aid box. It is true, he’s seen that the younger tries to hold back these days. He thought that the situation had gotten better, that his team members and Sungjong were almost getting along – at least they were ignoring each other. So it doesn’t make sense why they would beat him up at the first opportunity they get.

“Hakyeon doesn’t seem to like me very much,” Sungjong offers, laughing slightly. “Or should I say he hates my guts?”

Of course, Hakyeon…

After his friend’s sudden confession, he had expected everything to go back to normal, but he has probably been oblivious. The reason for attacking Sungjong now became clearer.

So it is my fault.

Sungjong’s holding up the ice pack to his forehead himself now, staring at the floor. It’s oddly quiet – Leo’s used to the bustling of his team in the changing room. Now it’s just the two of them and it’s awkward; which is weird because they spent so many afternoons together before.

They met at an afterschool club. As the only two people to have signed up for the book club last year, they saw each other in the room where their afterschool activity was supposed to take place. The teacher in charge was nowhere to be seen when Sungjong had walked in on Leo, who had his head buried in a book. He was never the social type and the only reason he had lots of friends was because he was the Captain of the soccer team. At first, he ignored Sungjong, turning a page of his book lazily and after some hesitation, the younger had taken a seat beside him.

“Hi, I’m a first year, Lee Sungjong,” he had said, his voice soft as snow.

Something about his voice sent his insides tingling and he had looked up. His face matched his voice, a certain kind of ethereal aura about him. It was like watching a hauntingly beautiful painting or a desperately heart-wrenching film. It took him a few minutes to recover while he pretended to read his book but honestly, he was having trouble putting two characters together.

When he hadn’t responded, Sungjong had started talking about the books he had read recently, not caring about the fact that Leo’s eyes were still glued to the book and there was no indication that he was listening to him.

Leo was introvert by choice – he found no enjoyment in company except when he was playing soccer with his team. He’s never felt the need to communicate with anyone or form any kind of bond. People said that he looked intimidating and even though he hadn’t meant it to be that way, he is glad in a way because it means less people would actually approach him.

But for some reason, it never stopped Sungjong. When he asked him about it later, Sungjong looked genuinely confused and assured him that he didn’t look intimidating in the least bit.

“I mean you joined the book club, so I supposed that you wanted to read and not talk. But that doesn’t mean you’re unfriendly.”

When he asked Sungjong why he had joined the book club, the younger had sheepishly replied that he didn’t want do anything during the compulsory afterschool activity so book club sounded like the best idea. Indeed, in the one year that they belonged to the club, he’s never seen him reading anything. In fact, he rarely reads his textbooks.

He can’t pinpoint the exact moment he let Sungjong in, or the exact moment he fell for him, hard and complete. He can barely remember when his disregard turned to absolute admiration or when he actually started replying to the endless monologues the younger used to carry out.

But one day, one morning, he woke up to an explosion of bubbles in his stomach and the flutter of butterfly wings and he knew Sungjong’s the one who made him feel that way.

It was strange how Sungjong never really gave up on him. He would find him during break time at the library, or after school, or whenever he had free time and start a fluent explanation of the silliest things that happened. He would then proceed to ask him deep questions, like how real life is different from high school. When Leo wouldn’t say anything, he would just start replying to himself. Never had he the heart to break it to the younger that his endless tirade was a little less than amusing. As for the smile on his lips and the light in his eyes - he never got tired of those.

And then one day, the younger finally complained, “You never talk. It’s like you’re saving your words for someone.”

Maybe that was true, or maybe he was afraid that if he started to speak, Sungjong would stop, and that silence would be unbearable for him. Or maybe words couldn’t describe his feelings.

Maybe because Sungjong’s words came too easy, he’d taken it for granted and never realized that he would miss them so much one day.

Between the two of them, Sungjong was always the one with words and Leo was the one with emptiness that his words had filled.

“Captain?”

‘Don’t call me that.”

“Leo hyung?”

Leo is the nickname he’d given himself when he started high school. There was no special reason, he liked the name more than his real name – Jung Taekwoon. In a way, Leo made him seem mysterious, unreachable. Sungjong liked Leo too, but for completely different reasons. He thought Leo represented another person, a person Taekwoon wanted to be but wasn’t sure exactly how. The first time he heard this explanation, he was amazed; he’s never thought about it that way. There are some parts of Sungjong he never understood.

Sungjong pokes him softly on the arm, which makes him turn his head towards him. He looks pale, but his eyes are bright.

“I miss you.”

The words, the words – not just the words but the way he says them… every word that falls from his pretty lips lodges somewhere in his airway, making him unable to breathe. There’s a rising tide inside him and his bones feel weak against the torrents. Once again, he has done it. He’s said what Leo wanted to say all this time. Sungjong makes it seem so easy.

His breathing grows erratic for reasons he doesn’t completely understand. To add to that, Sungjong gently rests his head on his shoulder. Without realizing it, his shoulders tense up and his breath feels like a lump in his throat. He feels helpless in the situation, like he’s unfairly trapped against a wall with no escape.

“I liked spending time together, just the two of us. And you helped me with my homework too. Now I don’t have anyone who laughs at my jokes.”

It’s not fair. Sungjong makes it seem like he’s the only one who’s suffered. He’s lost a friend, where Leo lost the only person he’d made space for in his cold, barren heart.

For some reason, the day he confessed to the younger comes to his mind – it’d taken him every bit of will to finally tell him how he really felt about him. He was desperate, and he felt that he was being unfair to Sungjong by hiding his feelings for him. Every moment they spent together was a lot more meaningful for him without Sungjong knowing it.

“I love you,” he’d blurted out to the unsuspecting younger, and at that exact moment, he’d realized how much he actually loved him. It’s not until he said it out loud did he realize how much it meant to him. He was ready to get on his knees and commit his life to the beautiful boy in front of him at that moment, but before he could do anything or say another word or explain himself, Sungjong’s face said it all.

They would never walk hand in hand, or kiss with the sunset leaning on their shoulders, or whisper to each other at the dead of the night, arms around each other. In the fraction of a second, doors slammed shut to all the happy places in his mind. For one moment, he had hoped, dreamed …

It’s okay, it’s alright. I expected too much.

Things turned awkward quickly, or maybe it was just him. He couldn’t look at Sungjong anymore, and the younger took the hint that it was time to find new friends. He’s dealt with disappointment before but he didn’t know how to counteract the double blow of losing Sungjong as a friend and something more.

The soccer team, who’s known about his crush on Sungjong and teased him about it frequently, noticed the change in him. Finally, he had to reveal the truth to them, and it made them furious. They wanted to take revenge on Sungjong for breaking his heart but he gave them strict orders not to go near the boy. Even then, he heard news of fights between Sungjong and some of his team members. When asked, the team members would vehemently deny that the confrontations had anything to do with him. They would insist that the fights and arguments were based on other things Sungjong had done to piss them off.

There was nothing he can do about it because he’s well aware that Sungjong can be cheeky and he almost never backs down from an argument. He wanted to protect Sungjong, but he couldn’t do so without getting closer to him. And that is something he couldn’t afford

Yet, here they are, sitting side by side, all by themselves, in a gradually darkening room as the sun is about to set. Without warning, Sungjong grips his fingers with his warmer ones. Leo’s heart churns with longing. He is good at controlling emotions; there are times when he makes himself so numb that he can’t feel anything. But right now, Sungjong is a bit too close, his breath is hot on his cheek, his touch paralyzing, the last twinkle of daylight through the window is a little too wrong. This situation is a bit out of control.

He’s sitting beside this beautiful boy, and he loves him so much. His fingers are in the hand of this beautiful boy, who says he misses him. But this is as far as they go. He desperately wishes he could go back to when they were just friends, so that when he looks back at this moment years later, he could think of him as just a friend. But he has been to a place from where no one returns – they have been somewhere, and it just won’t do to pretend it was nothing. He cannot just go back to being friends with Sungjong, caring for him like he’s not greedy or selfish at all, like he doesn’t want more from him. 

“Hyung, do you hate me now?”

It takes two seconds for the words to register in his mind.

“How can I?” is all he says, because really, how can he? In what world would that be possible? He can’t even stop thinking about him for one minute, because he is such a wonderful, wonderful thing.

“Then why do like to be away from me? You don’t even look at me properly.” His voice is half accusing, half desperate and it doesn’t make it easier for Leo. Why is he asking such stupid questions – hasn’t he given him the answers already?

Taking a deep breath, he parts his lips. “I hoped we would meet somewhere one day, when we’re older, wiser. One day, when I’ll be right for you, and you’d say you love me.” He’s never been capable of this much eloquence; he wonders where the words are coming from. Is he just desperate? Or is he tired of pretending it doesn’t hurt when it does, so much. 

Maybe he just wants Sungjong to know that no one, no one, has replaced him in his life.

He doesn’t dare look at the younger – it’s too soon for another rejection. He’ll pretend this never happened, that he didn’t just say the words that make it very clear how desperately in love he is. With a half-hidden sigh, he gets to his feet awkwardly.

To his surprise, Sungjong’s hand grips around his wrist, stopping him from taking a step. His hand is soft around his wrist, soft and warm. His heart quivers like a coward (and he is one, he’s always been so afraid of falling in love). For a moment, his mind is completely fuzzy, in a state of delirium. Time slows down, as if trickling through a tightly closed tap, dripping. Sweat is dribbling down his forehead, even though his skin is as cold as ice.

“I’m sorry for hurting you hyung. But I realized that hurting you hurts me as well.”

What does that mean, what do those words mean?

Why is Sungjong saying things like these, that hurt him, make his heart flutter, and worst of all, give him hope?

“Explain,” is all he says in reply because right now, he’s finding it difficult to form the words. The emotions inside of him are blooming like a flower in his throat; it’s excruciating, waiting for the answer like this, his skin still touching Sungjong’s.

“I think I’m in love with you, hyung. You know how they say you don’t know the value of something until you lose it? I just didn’t know, until you were gone. And now I know.”

He wants to press his hands against his ears so that he doesn’t have to hear this – it’s just too good to be true, so much so, that it just can’t be. Is this a dream? Maybe he fell asleep in the changing room while tending to the younger? This is probably just his overactive imagination, painting the best case scenario for him in his mind.

With a rapidly beating heart, he turns his head slightly, daring to look at Sungjong. At the same moment, the younger lifts his eyes to catch his gaze. It’s a beautiful thing, it’s a wonderful thing – they stare at each other for what feels like eternity, but it can’t be because it’s the reality, because Sungjong’s hand is still around his wrist and he can hear his frenzied heartbeats. It’s all happening too fast.

When the younger gets to his feet, without breaking eye contact, and approaches him, their eyes level with each other’s now, he panics.

How…what…why…

The knot in his gut tightens as he realizes Sungjong is only inches away from him, their faces so close that he can clearly see the mole on the younger’s nose, the nasty cuts on his cheeks, even count his eyelashes. Most importantly, the look in the junior’s eyes is nothing like any he has ever seen him wear. It’s intense, yes, but not intense like how he sometimes looks, which scares people. It’s intense in a highly attractive way, in a way that tells him that he’s not just playing but he actually understands…he understands more than high school crushes and puppy love now.

Leo thinks he might be getting drunk from the look in his eyes, not that he knows what it feels like to be drunk. And then, catching him completely off guard, Sungjong presses his lips onto his, his arms wrapping around his neck so that any space that remained between them disappeared.  
His lips are like fluffy clouds, like caramel, like fresh cream, and a hundred other things that he loves. Surprisingly, it feels nothing like in his dreams.  
Because this is real, this is really happening.

Once again he loses count of time and it seems like they kiss forever. It’s honestly not a great kiss, because it’s the first for both of them. But first kisses have a kind of undeniable charm and they are always sloppy. Maybe the sloppiness adds to the charm. It’s the first time your lips communicate with someone else’s and the two pairs reach an understanding…

When Sungjong moves back, he can see the faint red dusting his cheeks. He didn’t realize that during the kiss, he has placed his hands on the younger’s waist. He thinks if he should remove his hands but it feels like they are locked there and wouldn’t move even if he tried to move them. Sungjong doesn’t seem to mind as he smiles at him shyly, blinking a few times to collect his thoughts.

Clearing his throat, he says timidly, “I – I know that was very random and sudden but-”

“I liked it,” Leo finishes the sentence. Right now, his mind is completely blank and he can’t recall for the life of him what he was thinking about when he was sitting beside Sungjong, tending to his injuries. He can’t remember why he was hurt, or why he was sad, ever. It’s like his memories have been wiped clean and he’s starting all over again, like being reborn.

“You must think I’m stupid for not knowing before and jumping this confession on you…” Sungjong sighs, biting his lips helplessly. Leo can see the tears gathering in his eyes and the way his lips quake with uncertainty – he’s probably looking for words to apologise but at the same time he doesn’t want to be insensitive.

It’s okay, Sungjong, it’s alright now.

When he woke up this morning, he was expecting to have another ordinary day. The first thought he always has after waking up is that of Sungjong, but that’s such an everyday thing now that he’s accepted it. There was no indication whatsoever that something so life-altering would happen, no change in the way wind blew, no change in the angle of sunlight streaming in through the windows, nothing. It just goes to show you can never tell…

What he also didn’t know was that happiness could be achieved so easily, with a word, a kiss. Just having the right person beside you is enough to make you feel content.  
Right now, he feels like the happiest person on earth.


	2. The cold ones fall harder, headfirst

His fear however comes true one day.

He is late for practice since he has to finish a project but when he arrives at the field, it’s empty. It doesn’t settle well with him because his members are not the kind to miss practice – they practically live on soccer. The knot on his stomach tightens as he sees no sign of Sungjong at the bench either.

His heart hammering, he gallops towards the changing room, his stomach sinking lower and lower until it drops completely when he finds Sungjong on the floor of the room, blood gushing out of his nose, one of his eyes blackened and his face bruised.

Blood rushes to his head the moment the sight meets his eyes. The room is empty otherwise, but it’s not the time to wonder where the others are. He quickly opens the first-aid box, taking a wad of cotton to plug the bleeding from his nose. Sungjong tries to smile at him weakly but he is too busy, cleaning the bruises on his face, applying antiseptic, while holding an ice pack to the purple bump on his forehead. All the while, Sungjong sits very still; at one point, he doubles over and he has to help him to the bathroom, where he throws up.

“You should see a doctor,” he says worriedly as he half carries him back to the changing room and helps him onto the bench.

“I’ll be fine,” Sungjong reassures him and smiles again.

His face is barely recognizable under all the bruises, discolorations, ice pack, and bandages. Leo’s heart constricts painfully – is this his fault? He shouldn’t have let Sungjong in the team. Why did he stay back for the project today, knowing the younger would be at the mercy of the rest of his team?

I’m so stupid, he got hurt because of me.

“It’s not your fault, you know. It was bound to happen someday.”

Sungjong surprises him – it’s almost as if he read his mind. This is actually not new, he used to do it before. Leo doesn’t speak much or express emotions freely so it’s difficult to know what’s on his mind; that’s what he thought, until he met Sungjong. Somehow, he’s transparent to the younger, like an open book. It was strange at first, hearing Sungjong speak his thoughts exactly, but he got used to it. He’d grown comfortable with the natural chemistry between them, his ability to communicate almost everything wordlessly to the younger. But he hadn’t expected it to be intact after all this time.

“Did you-”

“I promise I didn’t provoke them this time, I swear,” Sungjong said, pouting. “I’m making an effort after – after what you said,” he murmurs, fixing his gaze on the empty lockers in front of him.

Sighing, Leo closes the lid of the first-aid box. It is true, he’s seen that the younger tries to hold back these days. He thought that the situation had gotten better, that his team members and Sungjong were almost getting along – at least they were ignoring each other. So it doesn’t make sense why they would beat him up at the first opportunity they get.

“Hakyeon doesn’t seem to like me very much,” Sungjong offers, laughing slightly. “Or should I say he hates my guts?”

Of course, Hakyeon…

After his friend’s sudden confession, he had expected everything to go back to normal, but he has probably been oblivious. The reason for attacking Sungjong now became clearer.

So it is my fault.

Sungjong’s holding up the ice pack to his forehead himself now, staring at the floor. It’s oddly quiet – Leo’s used to the bustling of his team in the changing room. Now it’s just the two of them and it’s awkward; which is weird because they spent so many afternoons together before.

They met at an afterschool club. As the only two people to have signed up for the book club last year, they saw each other in the room where their afterschool activity was supposed to take place. The teacher in charge was nowhere to be seen when Sungjong had walked in on Leo, who had his head buried in a book. He was never the social type and the only reason he had lots of friends was because he was the Captain of the soccer team. At first, he ignored Sungjong, turning a page of his book lazily and after some hesitation, the younger had taken a seat beside him.

“Hi, I’m a first year, Lee Sungjong,” he had said, his voice soft as snow.

Something about his voice sent his insides tingling and he had looked up. His face matched his voice, a certain kind of ethereal aura about him. It was like watching a hauntingly beautiful painting or a desperately heart-wrenching film. It took him a few minutes to recover while he pretended to read his book but honestly, he was having trouble putting two characters together.

When he hadn’t responded, Sungjong had started talking about the books he had read recently, not caring about the fact that Leo’s eyes were still glued to the book and there was no indication that he was listening to him.

Leo was introverted by choice – he found no enjoyment in company except when he was playing soccer with his team. He’s never felt the need to communicate with anyone or form any kind of bond. People said that he looked intimidating and even though he hadn’t meant it to be that way, he is glad in a way because it means less people would actually approach him.

But for some reason, it never stopped Sungjong. When he asked him about it later, Sungjong looked genuinely confused and assured him that he didn’t look intimidating in the least bit.

“I mean you joined the book club, so I supposed that you wanted to read and not talk. But that doesn’t mean you’re unfriendly.”

When he asked Sungjong why he had joined the book club, the younger had sheepishly replied that he didn’t want do anything during the compulsory afterschool activity so book club sounded like the best idea. Indeed, in the one year that they belonged to the club, he’s never seen him reading anything. In fact, he rarely reads his textbooks.

He can’t pinpoint the exact moment he let Sungjong in, or the exact moment he fell for him, hard and complete. He can barely remember when his disregard turned to absolute admiration or when he actually started replying to the endless monologues the younger used to carry out.

But one day, one morning, he woke up to an explosion of bubbles in his stomach and the flutter of butterfly wings and he knew Sungjong’s the one who made him feel that way.

It was strange how Sungjong never really gave up on him. He would find him during break time at the library, or after school, or whenever he had free time and start a fluent explanation of the silliest things that happened. He would then proceed to ask him deep questions, like how real life is different from high school. When Leo wouldn’t say anything, he would just start replying to himself. Never had he the heart to break it to the younger that his endless tirade was a little less than amusing. As for the smile on his lips and the light in his eyes - he never got tired of those.

And then one day, the younger finally complained, “You never talk. It’s like you’re saving your words for someone.”

Maybe that was true, or maybe he was afraid that if he started to speak, Sungjong would stop, and that silence would be unbearable for him. Or maybe words couldn’t describe his feelings.

Maybe because Sungjong’s words came too easy, he’d taken it for granted and never realized that he would miss them so much one day.

Between the two of them, Sungjong was always the one with words and Leo was the one with emptiness that his words had filled.

“Captain?”

"Don’t call me that.”

“Leo hyung?”

Leo is the nickname he’d given himself when he started high school. There was no special reason, he liked the name more than his real name – Jung Taekwoon. In a way, Leo made him seem mysterious, unreachable. Sungjong liked Leo too, but for completely different reasons. He thought Leo represented another person, a person Taekwoon wanted to be but wasn’t sure exactly how. The first time he heard this explanation, he was amazed; he’s never thought about it that way. There are some parts of Sungjong he never understood.

Sungjong pokes him softly on the arm, which makes him turn his head towards him. He looks pale, but his eyes are bright.

“I miss you.”

The words, the words – not just the words but the way he says them… every word that falls from his pretty lips lodges somewhere in his airway, making him unable to breathe. There’s a rising tide inside him and his bones feel weak against the torrents. Once again, he has done it. He’s said what Leo wanted to say all this time. Sungjong makes it seem so easy.

His breathing grows erratic for reasons he doesn’t completely understand. To add to that, Sungjong gently rests his head on his shoulder. Without realizing it, his shoulders tense up and his breath feels like a lump in his throat. He feels helpless in the situation, like he’s unfairly trapped against a wall with no escape.

“I liked spending time together, just the two of us. And you helped me with my homework too. Now I don’t have anyone who laughs at my jokes.”

It’s not fair. Sungjong makes it seem like he’s the only one who’s suffered. He’s lost a friend, where Leo lost the only person he’d made space for in his cold, barren heart.

For some reason, the day he confessed to the younger comes to his mind – it’d taken him every bit of will to finally tell him how he really felt about him. He was desperate, and he felt that he was being unfair to Sungjong by hiding his feelings for him. Every moment they spent together was a lot more meaningful for him without Sungjong knowing it.

“I love you,” he’d blurted out to the unsuspecting younger, and at that exact moment, he’d realized how much he actually loved him. It’s not until he said it out loud did he realize how much it meant to him. He was ready to get on his knees and commit his life to the beautiful boy in front of him at that moment, but before he could do anything or say another word or explain himself, Sungjong’s face said it all.

They would never walk hand in hand, or kiss with the sunset leaning on their shoulders, or whisper to each other at the dead of the night, arms around each other. In the fraction of a second, doors slammed shut to all the happy places in his mind. For one moment, he had hoped, dreamed …

It’s okay, it’s alright. I expected too much.

Things turned awkward quickly, or maybe it was just him. He couldn’t look at Sungjong anymore, and the younger took the hint that it was time to find new friends. He’s dealt with disappointment before but he didn’t know how to counteract the double blow of losing Sungjong as a friend and something more.

The soccer team, who’s known about his crush on Sungjong and teased him about it frequently, noticed the change in him. Finally, he had to reveal the truth to them, and it made them furious. They wanted to take revenge on Sungjong for breaking his heart but he gave them strict orders not to go near the boy. Even then, he heard news of fights between Sungjong and some of his team members. When asked, the team members would vehemently deny that the confrontations had anything to do with him. They would insist that the fights and arguments were based on other things Sungjong had done to piss them off.

There was nothing he can do about it because he’s well aware that Sungjong can be cheeky and he almost never backs down from an argument. He wanted to protect Sungjong, but he couldn’t do so without getting closer to him. And that is something he couldn’t afford

Yet, here they are, sitting side by side, all by themselves, in a gradually darkening room as the sun is about to set. Without warning, Sungjong grips his fingers with his warmer ones. Leo’s heart churns with longing. He is good at controlling emotions; there are times when he makes himself so numb that he can’t feel anything. But right now, Sungjong is a bit too close, his breath is hot on his cheek, his touch paralyzing, the last twinkle of daylight through the window is a little too wrong. This situation is a bit out of control.

He’s sitting beside this beautiful boy, and he loves him so much. His fingers are in the hand of this beautiful boy, who says he misses him. But this is as far as they go. He desperately wishes he could go back to when they were just friends, so that when he looks back at this moment years later, he could think of him as just a friend. But he has been to a place from where no one returns – they have been somewhere, and it just won’t do to pretend it was nothing. He cannot just go back to being friends with Sungjong, caring for him like he’s not greedy or selfish at all, like he doesn’t want more from him. 

“Hyung, do you hate me now?”

It takes two seconds for the words to register in his mind.

“How can I?” is all he says, because really, how can he? In what world would that be possible? He can’t even stop thinking about him for one minute, because he is such a wonderful, wonderful thing.

“Then why do like to be away from me? You don’t even look at me properly.” His voice is half accusing, half desperate and it doesn’t make it easier for Leo. Why is he asking such stupid questions – hasn’t he given him the answers already?

Taking a deep breath, he parts his lips. “I hoped we would meet somewhere one day, when we’re older, wiser. One day, when I’ll be right for you, and you’d say you love me.” He’s never been capable of this much eloquence; he wonders where the words are coming from. Is he just desperate? Or is he tired of pretending it doesn’t hurt when it does, so much. 

Maybe he just wants Sungjong to know that no one, no one, has replaced him in his life.

He doesn’t dare look at the younger – it’s too soon for another rejection. He’ll pretend this never happened, that he didn’t just say the words that make it very clear how desperately in love he is. With a half-hidden sigh, he gets to his feet awkwardly.

To his surprise, Sungjong’s hand grips around his wrist, stopping him from taking a step. His hand is soft around his wrist, soft and warm. His heart quivers like a coward (and he is one, he’s always been so afraid of falling in love). For a moment, his mind is completely fuzzy, in a state of delirium. Time slows down, as if trickling through a tightly closed tap, dripping. Sweat is dribbling down his forehead, even though his skin is as cold as ice.

“I’m sorry for hurting you hyung. But I realized that hurting you hurts me as well.”

What does that mean, what do those words mean?

Why is Sungjong saying things like these, that hurt him, make his heart flutter, and worst of all, give him hope?

“Explain,” is all he says in reply because right now, he’s finding it difficult to form the words. The emotions inside of him are blooming like a flower in his throat; it’s excruciating, waiting for the answer like this, his skin still touching Sungjong’s.

“I think I’m in love with you, hyung. You know how they say you don’t know the value of something until you lose it? I just didn’t know, until you were gone. And now I know.”

He wants to press his hands against his ears so that he doesn’t have to hear this – it’s just too good to be true, so much so, that it just can’t be. Is this a dream? Maybe he fell asleep in the changing room while tending to the younger? This is probably just his overactive imagination, painting the best case scenario for him in his mind.

With a rapidly beating heart, he turns his head slightly, daring to look at Sungjong. At the same moment, the younger lifts his eyes to catch his gaze. It’s a beautiful thing, it’s a wonderful thing – they stare at each other for what feels like eternity, but it can’t be because it’s the reality, because Sungjong’s hand is still around his wrist and he can hear his frenzied heartbeats. It’s all happening too fast.

When the younger gets to his feet, without breaking eye contact, and approaches him, their eyes level with each other’s now, he panics.

How…what…why…

The knot in his gut tightens as he realizes Sungjong is only inches away from him, their faces so close that he can clearly see the mole on the younger’s nose, the nasty cuts on his cheeks, even count his eyelashes. Most importantly, the look in the junior’s eyes is nothing like any he has ever seen him wear. It’s intense, yes, but not intense like how he sometimes looks, which scares people. It’s intense in a highly attractive way, in a way that tells him that he’s not just playing but he actually understands…he understands more than high school crushes and puppy love now.

Leo thinks he might be getting drunk from the look in his eyes, not that he knows what it feels like to be drunk. And then, catching him completely off guard, Sungjong presses his lips onto his, his arms wrapping around his neck so that any space that remained between them disappeared.

His lips are like fluffy clouds, like caramel, like fresh cream, and a hundred other things that he loves. Surprisingly, it feels nothing like in his dreams.

Because this is real, this is really happening.

Once again he loses count of time and it seems like they kiss forever. It’s honestly not a great kiss, because it’s the first for both of them. But first kisses have a kind of undeniable charm and they are always sloppy. Maybe the sloppiness adds to the charm. It’s the first time your lips communicate with someone else’s and the two pairs reach an understanding…

When Sungjong moves back, he can see the faint red dusting his cheeks. He didn’t realize that during the kiss, he has placed his hands on the younger’s waist. He thinks if he should remove his hands but it feels like they are locked there and wouldn’t move even if he tried to move them. Sungjong doesn’t seem to mind as he smiles at him shyly, blinking a few times to collect his thoughts.

Clearing his throat, he says timidly, “I – I know that was very random and sudden but-”

“I liked it,” Leo finishes the sentence. Right now, his mind is completely blank and he can’t recall for the life of him what he was thinking about when he was sitting beside 

Sungjong, tending to his injuries. He can’t remember why he was hurt, or why he was sad, ever. It’s like his memories have been wiped clean and he’s starting all over again, like being reborn.

“You must think I’m stupid for not knowing before and jumping this confession on you…” Sungjong sighs, biting his lips helplessly. Leo can see the tears gathering in his eyes and the way his lips quake with uncertainty – he’s probably looking for words to apologise but at the same time he doesn’t want to be insensitive.

It’s okay, Sungjong, it’s alright now.

When he woke up this morning, he was expecting to have another ordinary day. The first thought he always has after waking up is that of Sungjong, but that’s such an everyday thing now that he’s accepted it. There was no indication whatsoever that something so life-altering would happen, no change in the way wind blew, no change in the angle of sunlight streaming in through the windows, nothing. It just goes to show you can never tell…

What he also didn’t know was that happiness could be achieved so easily, with a word, a kiss. Just having the right person beside you is enough to make you feel content.

Right now, he feels like the happiest person on earth.


End file.
